when it rains it pours

gramma called today in hysterics. she couldn't stop crying and kept hanging up on mom. looked like a bad clip from the ya-ya sisterhood. well, eventually we find out that grandpa is really sick. it started after he left dallas. he was throwing up and had the "trots" as he calls them. lol. he said he drank some bad gatorade and would be okay. so mom let it go at that. he was going back to seattle to talk to uncle kevin *UK*. (something about his girlfriend and him fighting.. a crystal meth binge.. who knows, the fam is a little nuts). so he drove up to seattle and was staying in a hotel. uk went to go see him and said that he couldn't even move he was so weak. so uk called an ambulance.

gramma is crying there are a few bouts of clarity.. something about kidney failure, the name of the hospital, and how she shouldn't have told him the other day that she was going to hang up on him if he didn't take his medicine. :\ they have the funniest fights.. but she's feeling really guilty.

after uncle dan died, grandpa hasn't been the same. he seems really depressed. although we did have a great time when he was here.

when he left, i had forgotten to tell him i loved him before he went to the car, so i grabbed brayden, ran to the car, and said, hey i forgot to say i love you. he kissed me and said princess that's understood, always know i love you too. and i watched him drive away. i really hope that's not the last time i see him. although i did have a really bad feeling in my stomach that day that it might be.

no one in the family had any answers, so i called the hospital. i'm sorry, but i'm not just going to sit around and wonder what's going on. i talked to his nurse and she said they did an abdominal ct and found a mass. they are going to biopsy it tomorrow. he has blood in his stool, and elevated bun and creatinin levels. he has mild kidney failure but so far there is no plan for dialysis. she said he won't take his pain medication, which is just how he is. :) he hates meds. she said he's tired and very forgetful.. which again, is just grandpa. she said so far he's stable and she didn't recommend us flying out there.

although, pending the results of the biopsy.. we might head out there. if it's cancer, who knows.. i don't want to play what if's. i have a sick feeling that we'll be leaving soon though

i should know tomorrow.

i did get to talk to grandpa, he sounded really out of it. i told him i loved him, and he asked about brayden. i just wish brayden would get to know what a great man his great grandpa is. i want bray to have his characteristics . he's taught me so much about the kind of man i deserve in my life.. he always treats us with the utmost respect, opening doors and cardoors, pulling out chairs.. everything! he's taught me about romance, and forgiveness, and unconditional love (gramma's not the easiest person to live with). every year he gives gramma roses yellow for the years they were alone, and red for the years that they have had eachother. he leaves cards around the house and in drawers just to tell her he loves her. he signs them love t. and she always jokes, tami or tarah, is this card from one of you. :) he loves her so much.

he speaks slowly and with so much purpose. he knows what he will say before it's said, and thinks it all through. he's the most spiritual man i've ever met. watching him in church.. he's so focused, so genuine. he loves notre dame football, and would hide out downstairs so gramma wouldn't bother him. he always hugs me so tight, and forgets that his reading glasses smush you. :) he smells so good.. like old spice and something else.. he always calls me princess. he's hard of hearing but refuses a hearing aid. one day mom and i were in the kitchen grammas in the garage, grandpas in the bedroom.. gramma yells "don't forget your keys" and grandpa yells back "i ate my fruit" and gramma yells "okay hun". lol. he opened up to me about the war.. and he's never talked to anyone about that stuff.

he is supposed to walk me down the isle one day.

i love him so much.. i'm really scared of what tomorrow will bring. i can't stop crying.. i just want to go to seattle.

its another ben harper night.. or morning (it's like 5am).

"don't you fear what you don't know, just let that be your room to grow"
"here comes emptiness crashing in.."